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12/5/2004 – Robert
I’m a quarter century old, and I have to wonder where this life is going. The world crashes, burns, rebuilds all around me and here I am, waiting for something. I’m in limbo; waiting for a firm from Portland to call me back to tell me that I have the job… see you in three weeks. Waiting for a firm in Portland to call me back and tell me they went with another candidate so I can find a new residence in Salt Lake. I feel as though I’m always waiting for something to happen in my life and I’m relatively powerless to do something about it. You’d think this would be an easy problem to solve, just stop waiting and blaze my own trail. As with anything really important in life, I seem to freeze… wait and hope. We all wait, don’t we? A friend waits for a record label to recognize his genius. Another says 2005 will be a better year, you can only go up from 2004, right? Another is on hold for a book deal, a movie script, a tv show, anything. Another’s waiting for another year to pass… more money in the bank, then a move to California. We’re all on hold, all hoping something will happen, some time will pass, for fortune to hold steady and fruits can be reaped. Not that I blame anybody… I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life. It’s my inability to act when something important hits that really gets to me. Whether it’s an issue of love, my career, my passions, moving away, finding a new place to stay… it’s all a fight with me. It takes every ounce of strength I have to fight the urge to do nothing sometimes. My whole life has been a sad man hoping the winds of change will come. Lately, I’ve been able to fight this off a little. When finally presented with the possibility of fleeing from this place, I freak out, but hold my course. I am photographing more now than I ever did; I just need to do something with my talent now. I’m finally pulling the steering wheel a little, but it’s not enough. Something has to be done… I cannot find myself in 5, 10, 20 years as the same person complaining that things aren’t going my way. It sounds sad, but I need to wait this one last time, to see if I landed the job in Portland. I need to get out of limbo. I have finally purchased the glass frames so I can put my photos up in that coffee shop I keep on frequenting. I have now had three photos published in a local alternative newspaper, and I definitely need more. I’ve been having cravings lately that say I should spend the cash to publish an updated portfolio, walk up to the leading newspaper office and tell them: “Look at my portfolio. I can do a damned good job for you, you should hire me on as a freelancer.” But, I cannot seem to pick a direction… a few months ago, it was shooting weddings on the side, after that, it was the alternative newspaper. Now, I’m getting some skill with some fashion photography. My wedding page is half-finished; my photojournalism portfolio hasn’t been started upon. Where do I go from here? What I do feel certain about is the fact that I was meant to do this… be a photographer, capture the world and show people how beautiful it really is. Every time I step behind the camera on a project, I feel like I belong there… and it makes me immensely fulfilled when I photograph something and I know I did a good job. Capturing the beauty of those around me isn’t hard; most of the people I know radiate it like an aura. To those of you that have seen that in me for years, thank you so much. Throughout all of this, I have never felt whole. I feel like a huge portion of my life has been missing. Cheesy as it may be, I want love in my life. Maybe we humans weren’t quite meant to be whole when we’re alone… maybe it’s a flaw in our design, or maybe it’s a river in all of us that’s just waiting to be tapped. I miss feeling my heart race when I’m being kissed, I miss the feeling that I’m important to someone. It’s sad coming home to an empty bed. I’ve seen quite a few friends find their someone in recent history… why not me, too? Too many regrets… Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side… then maybe not. With all of this put together, I don’t think it would really take a whole lot to make me feel whole. Just being able to photograph things that are meaningful and challenging and having a companion at my side to keep me on my toes. The normal American dream just isn’t for me, I don’t think it ever will be. |