10/13/2002 – Robert

Matt and I were having a discussion on how worthless life has become in this wonderful modern world.  Think about these things:  What is it that most people worry about?  Higher taxes, the new fall TV lineup, paying off debts for things that don’t matter anymore, which psycho is going to capture the media’s attention next, when your favorite band is coming out with a new cd, who is going to be the next breakout star, what is going to be next for the stock market, and who is the US going to bomb the shit out of next? 

Do any of these really matter?  Is life really about anything anymore?  There’s a ton of fluff that people base their lives around.  I realize that I do it as well…  I count the hours until I’m off of work for the day, I count the days until the weekend, I count the weeks until the next great movie or concert.  If I keep this up, I’ll be forever counting things and my life will pass before my eyes. 

Life hasn’t turned out as easy as I once thought it would.  Sometimes, it’s a pain to keep treading to hold my head above the water.  Work bores me…  I work in advertising… not directly; I just program some software that my agency uses.  When you think about it, it really is a worthless function for society.  Advertisements try to convince people that they need / want the latest new food, car, video game, gadget, and feminine hygiene product.  So, the industry I work in convinces people they need something they really don’t, they just think they do.  What does this do?  Throw more money into the pockets of the corporations, which a very small segment of society actually benefits off of.  I need to do something besides program software that nobody will even care about 2 years down the road.  I need to do something fulfilling and meaningful to me. 

Where will that take me?  Well, photography seems to be a good start, specifically documentary photography.  I am pretty damned happy when I’m capturing some moments in time, on film, and sharing that with others.  Some things just need to be recorded and captured for the rest of the world to see.  Here’s one that most of you probably don’t know…  I want to give motion picture cinematography a time.  It’s pretty artsy stuff, so I hope that I will be able to give it a shot someday.

I’ve had a lot of things happen recently that made me think about who I am, what I am doing.  Here’s another juicy tidbit…  something that threw me for a loop.  I went to a cathedral a little while ago for a photo project.  Sure, they turned out amazing, but I felt something.  I think it was probably the first time in my life that I really felt anything remotely spiritual…  I cannot explain what it was…  I guess I could describe it as a feeling of peace and tranquility…  like the pieces to the puzzle almost fit, almost.  Did I actually feel something, or did I imagine it?  I still need to think about that.

Thinking back about it all now, there are some regrets in my life.  There are probably some people that I’d kill for a second chance with to work things out, but the opportunity will never come.  There are some situations that I sometimes wonder what would happen if I turned everything around.  Sure, it’d make me so I wasn’t the same person I was today, but who would I be now?  Where do I go from here?  What do I do?  Yes, I know, I should stop whining.

So, there may be some big changes up ahead.  There might actually be a light.