"A lack of culture" is the main gripe of this bitter, cold-hearted reviewer.  Set in Anytown, Utah, these events seem to occur quite frequently.  Phrases that come to mind are "lack of excitement", "cheesy pink sludge", "quaint finger food".  

Last night, I attended a Mormon wedding reception.  The decor was simply amazing.  The wedding was being held in a church gymnasium.  Wonderful waxed hardwood floors, basketball hoops hanging overhead, and bathrooms that'll take you back to those good old public high-school days.  Ah, the memories.  The tables were covered in the standard "puke-pastel" design that seems to permeate these blessed events.

One thing that this reviewer noted immediately was the lack of a band.  There was an emcee spinning 80's elevator music, who also doubled as a camera man, I believe.  

It's a bad sign when you show up to a wedding, not even knowing the groom, and you're dressed far better than pretty much everyone else there, with the exception of the groom.  I could feel the classiness of the wedding doubling when we arrived, which quickly dropped when we departed.  Personally, I will not miss the mullet and the v-neck sweater without an undershirt.

This reviewer left before the main course of food was served.  Little Caesar's (TM) Pepperoni Pizza wasn't really on the list of things I wanted to eat that night, but I did get to observe other food there.  One thing to note was that the standard pink sludge was being served here.  Is there some reason that this is served at every Mormon wedding?  I am baffled by the choice in refreshments.  The only other beverage being served at this event was premium sparkling, refreshing apple cider.  Nothing can beat this drink, well, maybe with the exception of wine, champagne, beer, hard apple cider, root beer, even water.  

Some entertainment was provided when the best man tried to open a bottle of this cider with his bare hands.  Let's just say that this was the first wedding I've been to where blood was shed, so there was an upside to attending this.  Seriously though... toasting to apple cider... there's something wrong with this picture.

The toast:  I cannot imagine anything more terrible.  Most weddings have alcohol for a good reason.  It's a social lubricant, it makes people more talkative and tolerable.  The best man gave a terrible, rambling toast.  The lead bridesmaid left it at "I think you two will be very happy together."  The emcee than announced that it was customary for someone to say something to the lucky couple before the cake is cut...  followed by a two minute silence.  The cake was then cut, and shortly afterward I departed this cursed event.  Yes, I am bitter and mean.  :)

Worst wedding ever!