7/28/2002 – Robert

I’ve been asking myself a question a lot lately.  Can I ever be happy for any decent amount of time?  I seem to go through the doldrums of simply existing an awful lot, with the occasional high and low in life.  I never really feel happy for more than what seems like a blink of the eye.  Is there something clinically or psychologically wrong with me?  Why can’t I just find equilibrium in my life and find a way to be content with it?

            First off, let me just say this:  I have a wonderful group of friends and I care deeply about all of them.  This leads into something I’ve been throwing around in my mind lately…  moving.  I have felt this urge that tells me I need to get the hell out of Utah someday soon.  I feel like a mediocre life will bury me if I don’t.  There’s so much I want to do with my life.  I’d like to travel the world and photograph it all.  I’d like to go around, exploring.  I’d like a life a little less ordinary.

            I recently went to my five-year high school reunion.  What a surreal experience that was.  I think I was about one in five people there that wasn’t married and/or didn’t have children already.  So many people’s lives seem to end when they get married around here; they’re content with sitting at home weekend after weekend, paying off their mortgage month after month, and popping out kids for the next 20 something years.  Time seems to stop for these people.  If I remain here, will I become like them?  Will I settle for less out of life than I think I deserve?  Will I wake up at the age of 45 and freak out about the last 20 years not amounting to anything?  This scares the shit out of me.

            So, I wonder what I really need out of life to be happy.  Women…  here’s another aspect of my life that I’ve never been really good at.  I guess I’m looking for something a little deeper than “Hmmm… you’re cute, let’s fuck.”  Well, of course I’d still like that, but I dunno, I have always been looking for a deeper connection than that.  Should I just give up and settle for less?  Well, I am still in my early 20’s, maybe looking for something meaningful at my age is far too much to ask for.  Are women the key to happiness?  Nah, they’re just part of the equation. 

            Okay, so what happens with my life if I find a job elsewhere and leave Utah?  If I move somewhere like New York City, for example, I’ll be happy about getting out of the Utah bubble, but will there be a lot of things to offset being happy there?  I’d lose all of my current friends and make new ones, but I can’t ever imagine replacing the ones I have now, nor would I want to.  Would I really be happier in a more diverse culture?  Yeah, I think some part of me would be, but the price might be too high.  We’ll just have to see.

            There are a few things that I have learned over the years about happiness.  Possessions don’t equate to happiness.  Sure, this comes from the guy who owns a 2001 Maxima, a bunch of computer gear, a big tv, an xbox, and photography gadgets.  A lot of this stuff I purchased because I thought maybe my life would feel a little more complete with them, I’d be a little happier.  At first, yes, but it’s a pretty fleeting feeling.  Am I going to get rid of all of it now?  Nah, somehow it seems like such a waste to unload something that you have already purchased just because the price / happiness ratio isn’t as high as it once was. 

            So, I really don’t know what I’m looking for in life.  I guess I could really simplify it by saying:  I want a nice girl, I want to pay off my debt, I want to keep my friends, I want a more exciting / challenging job, I want to get out of Utah, I want to find happiness.  I know, some of these goals really do conflict with each other, but hey, I’m allowed to dream, aren’t I?  How do I fix my life?