9/20/2002 – Robert

So, Sara asked me something today: why haven’t I posted any writing to my webpage recently?  The only real answer I could come up with was that I did not feel like posting the same depressing, sad writing that I usually come up with.  I guess I’m kinda breaking that little rule, eh?  No, I usually don’t get depressed in the same “my life sucks, why do I even exist” kind of way anymore…  although it still does happen occasionally.  It’s something else, something deeper.

My soul feels empty, aching, maybe dying.  I should be happy, shouldn’t I?  I have a nice car, a roof over my head, some really good friends, the money to dine out whenever I choose.  According to what society has told me, I should probably be blissfully happy, right?  I can’t help but feel depressed lately.  So, where is this sense of euphoria that I’m supposed to feel?

I feel like I’m running on fumes, the ability to gather strength from within slowly evaporating.  Who do I lean on for support?  There’s nobody to hold on to, nobody to love, nobody to return that.  Everything points back to me, saying I’m missing something important…  the sands of time slipping through my fingers until there’s nothing left. 

My life is making me numb… will I ever find catharsis in anything?  Is there something I can be passionate about in my life?

Will I ever be happy with work?

Will this loneliness ever end?

Will I ever live somewhere I like completely?

Do I have it within me to life this veil of emptiness?

How’s that for melodramatic?