5/25/2002 – Robert

I feel empty… void of writing ability.  I have not had the desire or inspiration to really write anything down since I got back from France.  Is there really anything to say anymore?

Where is all of my angst?  Since when did I become so beaten down that I just stopped caring?  My life isn’t bad right now… but it isn’t exactly exciting.  Nothing has exploded, the world hasn’t stopped spinning.  The shock of the world has become muted.

Yes, I still become concerned about everything that is going on around me…  I want the world to be a better place, I want for things to generally get better in the world.  So, what’s the problem here, improving society I something to get passionate about, isn’t it?  Well, ideally, it’s a good cause, but…  I’m powerless to do anything about the state of the world.  There are much more powerful, wise, and articulate people around that seem to get nowhere.  I am powerless to do anything.

Do I have friends that really care about me?  Do I care about them?  I honestly don’t even know anymore…  I don’t really feel in place around anyone I know.  Lately, I’m left wondering if anybody would realize it if I just disappeared.  Yes, I get the feeling people somewhat care about me, but…  I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.  It feels like everyone in my life is being held at an arm’s length away.  I never see anyone in great detail… everything is faded and disappearing. 

I haven’t dated anybody for a while now.  When was the last time I asked someone out?  Oh, February… pretty pathetic, eh?  Until recently, I just haven’t really had more than a passing interest in anyone.  We’ll see if my current interest opens up into anything.  But, there is no romance in my life… I’m getting antsy, something needs to be stirred.  I miss holding a girl in my arms, dancing, the world spinning around us…  sigh

Work isn’t better than anything else.  I guess I’m fortunate…  I’m employed, being paid on a regular basis, and I’m making a good amount of money for my age.  Perfect, isn’t it?  No…  I’m bored out of my mind.  I’m being paid a lot of money to do such menial work.  I need something more exciting and challenging to do.

I guess I have the same problem in a lot of areas of my life.  What do I need here?  I need a storm, some tidal waves, something…  anything to stir things up a bit.  The mediocrity of my life is beginning to suffocate me.