11/23/2002 – Robert

“It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.” –American Beauty

I wonder if there’s really anything left anymore… there has to be a purpose to being, right?  Do I exist?

Will I ever feel love again? 

Why can I never really seem to be happy anymore?

Why am I here?

Perhaps I have lost the focus, the vision…  perhaps I can no longer find a way to experience awe and reverence at the world.  Have I become too jaded, too callous too feel anything except darkness?  What have I become?

Sometimes I can barely stand myself, I cannot comprehend how anyone could possibly want my company, my presence.  How much more of this can I stand?

Every once in a while, I become shocked back into this sense of awe.  Yes, this time, it was watching American Beauty for the 5^th time that brought me from the brink of the abyss.  It made me remember how beautiful the world can actually be.

How can one look at a leaf falling to the ground on a cold autumn day and not see something wonderful?  When did most of us lose the ability to appreciate a good sunset now and then?  When did the first snow of the year become something of dread… something that makes my commute become a nightmare, instead of an event I longed for? 

Somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to see all the beauty that the world contains.  I would very much like to have it back.