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5/28/2004 – Robert Where to start… today. I guess I could try for some dramatic opening, but I have no idea where to begin, really what to say to encompass everything. I guess I’ll just write the events as they unfolded. Mind you, nothing bad really happened, it just was. I spent the whole day at work trying not to let myself go insane from boredom. Yes, I hate my job… it’s really not challenging at all anymore, just Microsoft Access monkey work. The chances of moving off of Access to a new platform like VB.NET are 0. My department is in “maintenance mode”. In the information technology realm, that means you sit on your hands and wait for someone to knock you silly with a baseball bat. So, no grand new projects, we’re just holding the fort and keeping the status quo. It bores the hell out of me… and imagine having to put up with that because the budget’s just not there to do anything else. Thinking about doing this for the rest of the year just makes my heart heavy. After another day of this, I’m finally free. Today was supposed to be the trifecta of good: 1) Friday, 2) Payday 3) Three day weekend. I get off of work… stop by Cocoa Caffe for caffeine and dinner and read my book to kill time. The venue I’m photographing for is having its official grand opening this weekend, so I dedicated my Friday night to helping out with that. After I get to the gig, I quickly realize that my heart just isn’t into the photography thing tonight. At this point, I was feeling pretty down, not sure what I really wanted to do instead… but, I stuck it out for a while. The show started late because the first band took forever to set up… the depression was mounting. I needed some alcohol, stat. Luckily, the gig has a deal with strip bar just across from the venue, no cover charge is needed. I sign the guest log and head straight to the bar. I ordered myself a jack & coke, which I downed in a few minutes while checking out the main attraction. The girl was nice, but just not doing it for me tonight. I down a shot of Crown Royal a couple of minutes later. The warmth within my stomach was starting to kick in nicely, but for some reason, seeing scantily-clad women that I didn’t know dance in front of me didn’t appeal to me tonight. I give the stripper a few dollars and I head back to the gig. The second band was still setting up, and I get the photography gear ready. The two shots of alcohol are starting to work on me, I feel warm… almost content with being there tonight. The second band does their set, which is basically the type of scream rock that I hate, and I take my pictures. The band wraps up, and I start to feel ill. I force my way through the third band and decide to take off. Yeah, I missed two of the bands… one of them was one I photographed last week, and I still don’t have their photos ready, so it was no big deal for me. As soon as I start driving home, I realize that not only is my stomach not feeling well, I feel like the life support system on my emotions was just unplugged. I haven’t felt this level of loneliness and depression for a long time. While driving home, I listen to the only music I can think of when I’m feeling this blue, Sigur Ros. I start contemplating while I feel so unhappy. My life has been so busy lately with social engagements, photography gigs, work, etc. that I haven’t really had time to think. All of the sudden, I have to cut my evening short and I realize how empty my life can really be. The job sucks… I have no idea what the meaning of my life is supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do with my years here. I’m alone: there’s nobody that is eagerly awaiting for me to get off of work to spend time with me anymore. I’m driving home and I realize that I’ll go to bed alone and I’ll wake up alone. There’s nobody here that wants to hear about my day, that wants to see me, nobody that’ll just hold me in my depression. By the time I hit my driveway, track 5 is playing and I’m nearly driven to tears by the sad music. I feel like an empty shell of a man right now. Maybe that’s stupid and perhaps I’ll feel different tomorrow, but that doesn’t change how I feel right now. I don’t know… I don’t feel that close to my old friends anymore, and I’m just unsure about the new ones. I’m alone, pathetic, and all I want to feel is wanted. Goodnight.
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